For the First Time

Her. I glance at a girl, sitting alone on the boardwalk ledge, shrinking back from the blaring music and crowds. Throngs of carnival partiers on all sides, yet we wait for the Holy Spirit to single somebody out. “Hey Sharon, come with me.” I grab my Italian partner. As we draw close it's obvious the girl is holding back tears. I ask her what's wrong, but she just shakes her head, too embarrassed to share. So we introduce ourselves, and she gives us her name, Julieta. In moments Sharon has her laughing. She's 17. Her 30 year old boyfriend ditched her in the middle of Carnival to go party. And she just wants to go home. She's has no family or friends in the city. Just the boyfriend she lives with. And now she's pregnant. “ You're like my angels!” she exclaimed after recounting to us her story. “I can't believe you'd come talk to me.” “Of course!" I say. "Do you know how valuable you are? Do you know how God sees you? Are you so precious to him. You are a treasure! You are beautiful. You have something special. Even being close to you, I just feel happy.” She's drinking in every word of truth. “Nobody has ever told me that before....” Sharon goes on to share with her what a relationship with God is like. As we talk and laugh her whole countenance changes. I am stunned at the power of simply loving someone and speaking the truth. Sometimes all it takes if flipping on the light in a dark room, and giving somebody the time of day.

I want to see

Just be honest. Dare to expose what's really going on. And then truth will set you free.

I moped around frustrated for days. For me, it all comes down to what I see... envision. And without vision the people perish. Die..."frito" as they say in espanol. A reoccurring question God asks me, "What do you see?" I saw that I was blind. So so blind!
Here's a story. Jesus is leaving a city, and this blind guy starts screaming hysterically for him. Everybody tells the guy to shut up, but he doesn't. So Jesus calls him over, and asks, "what do you want me to do for you?"
He replies, "Rabbi, I want to see."
'Go," Jesus says,"Your faith has healed you." Instantly the man recovers his sight. (Mark 10)

"What do you want me to do for you?"
For the first time in a while I cried because I was in anguish. Hard as I try, I've been trapped behind my erroneous thinking. I want to see! All I want to know is what it means to be a part of your family. I want to see who you are. What you've done... what you are doing now. What you will do. I want to see past the superficial. Past the circumstances.
The next three days you came and opened my eyes.

You took me through years of my past and asked, "Now, where was I?" Love took on a new meaning. Love is a verb. I saw that moment when I was tripping on acid. When you took your protective hand away from me...so I could see hell and feel the despair and consequences of my decisions. The whole time I was screaming, "Jesus where are you?" But you were right behind me, arms wrapped around me. God... my God.

The second day you showed me the pride in my heart. The pride that wouldn't receive your love, or love others. When you opened my eyes, I was disgusted!! "No, no, no." I won't have that in me, or anywhere near me. And you opened my eyes to see it really does all come down to love. A real, active love I can LIVE in.

And today. Today I was honest with my boss. I'm suppose to lead this school, but I don't know what's going on...is it really mine, or am I just a puppet leader? I didn't want things to get messy...but hey life is messy sometimes. And I saw Jesus is the one who holds all things together, not me. After clarifying the issues, my boss and I ended up laughing hysterically for an hour and missing the staff meeting. Totally messy... totally redeeming.

Oh I love life with my eyes wide open...

Secret Wisdom of Death

So I'm a missionary kid. I grew up with people coming and going...your best friends always ends up on the other side of the world. It's just a part of life.
But it doesn't get any easier. YWAM is worse. You eat, sleep, play, work, cry and laugh with these people for a year or two....and then it's adios. It's like a small death.

But I didn't except this one. I didn't except my leaders would ever leave. God warned me once, that I could not make my decision to come back based on people. Cause truly, I do have amazing leaders. They hear God clear as a bell, love radically, lead boldy, walk humbly, have overcome hardship and suffering... So God asked me, “Even if your leaders left, would you still obey me and bring my word to Mexico?” I said yes.

But I never expected this. She's not just my leader. I love Harmony. She's like my spiritual mom, an older sister, a dear friend. Not to mention the place she and her husband hold in this ministry is enormous... vital.

Truly God works in mysterious ways, and his understanding no one can fathom. But we have the mind of Christ. And even when my heart was breaking, cause I can't imagine her not being here, God spoke to me:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24

They've planted something amazing here, but now it's time for God to take it to the next level. And bear much fruit. And I saw this picture. The roof above me blew away, and this plant shot up up up. Like Jack and the beanstalk.

It's the secret wisdom of death.

What's this? You call me victory?

I know what's coming, but I shove my hands in my pockets and wander to the back of the room. The place is electric with the presence of God, hundreds of souls caught up in the Beauty of the Most High, drinking in His goodness, crying out in adoration. It's impossible to ignore Him! I know He's hunting me down, but in the most gentle non-obtrusive way like only the Holy Spirit can do. One minute your consumed with how horrid YOU feel, and YOUR so stupid, and how YOUR life doesn't make sense and how YOU never get it right... and the next minute... your drowning in how HE's so real, what HE's doing, HE'S laughing! HE'S singing! HE'S so humble! HE'S so gentle, how HE burns with love, HIS eyes, HIS heart, HE'S powerful! HE'S endless! HE'S victorious! HE defeated death! HE's doing a new thing!

I find myself screaming with laughter, choked up under the weight of his burning affection.

What are you doing God? I try to resist Him the rest of the night, but the weight of him against my soul was unbearable. Rachael prompted me to speak, and finally all the pent up anger, frustration, insecurity, and pride ripped it's way out. "I can't lead again, I just can't do it!"

Committing to YWAM Mexico for 3 years doesn't freak me out anymore, but failing freaks me out. Not making the grade freaks me out. Not "having what it takes" freaks me out.

"...may [the Father] give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better...that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." (Eph 1:17)

You're humbling me... If I've ever done a good thing in my life, it wasn't me. It's you. That's is! What have I been doing? Patting myself on the back whenever I do good, I'm obedient, I make it happen, I have an impact... So I congratulate my own efforts, obviously without thinking much about it. And I continue to build this lifestyle of working out of MY strength, and consequently eroding my soul into insecurity and pride. If God does something good through me, my response is to run into the secret place and PRAISE JESUS!

I finally know why my right to receive his love doesn't depend on my actions. Cause any good thing is HIM working and not me anyway! What hilarity! I don't think God is proud of my works; it's the Holy Spirit who's working. I'm just obeying. He's proud of me cause I choose Him! He's proud of me cause I set heart and will to love him! He's proud of me cause I'm just BEING who He made me to be. Of course, I'm his kid. Just cause I'm learning to walk and fall on my face half the time, he'd never say, "wow now you've done it, I'm pretty disappointed." No, the Father is NEVER DISAPPOINTED!" He sees my heart! He's so pleased with the ones who set their heart on his.

THIS IS SO GOOD!!

Desire

For the first time in months I could not sleep, I was so excited.

About time too. Between classes, cleaning, events, and planning the trip through central america I'd almost missed it. That desire to go simply did not exsist. I was going because, well, I'm a leader... I have to. All the goals, encouragment, even the words out of my own mouth rang empty in my heart.

But the worst part is I didn't stop to question it. Until I picked up this book, read the first couple chapters, then put it back. Couldn't go any further... my mind was reeling.

Desire. When Jesus spoke to people he appealed to their desire. Their thirst. Their hunger. Dared them to look into their hearts, and see if something in them did not scream for more... life beyound selfishness... fear... monotony. And all we do is ask him. because he IS life, and life to the full.

And suddenly it clicked. All the stories I'd listen to, or make up. About a group of warriors on a dangerous mission. The risks are huge, but the tasks of utmost importance. And each one has a special ability to work with the rest and overcome. These are the stories I'd daydream through highschool to create, I love it! Cause it's my desire... to be on an adventure like that. To risk it all and overcome. Then I realized....

I'M DOING IT! this is it! that IS the reality! here I am leading this team through central america and our war is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities.... that real people may find true life and a relationship with the God who's heart is breaking over them. to abolish death and isolation. and on and on and on.... And how could I have missed this! That what I'm doing has always been the desire of my heart... and a living reality. It's scarry what can be before our very eyes, in plain sight, yet we do not recognize it.

And how I could do the same things, but with the wrong understanding... dragging myself through everday, instead of living in the fullness. Just because my eyes were squeezed shut. Wow.

God remind me to open my eyes every morning, never satisfied with a short sighted life. Every day is an adventure. What will I choose?

Fix your eyes

This is a new season and how I love FREEDOM!

With all the ins and outs of running a school, God's been inviting me to get up earlier. Spend time with Him before the day gets crazy. Sometimes I keep hitting snooze.... and other times even if I do get up, I sit in a stupor, groping around for God's voice through a floggy mind.
How do I wake up? Not just physically but in my soul? ALL of me, alive to Him, aware of Him. I remember once he griped me with a sight into eternity. Not that eternity goes on and on forever so far away, because he is not a distant God. But that eternity is NOW, a moment deeper deeper deeper... a God closer than my heartbeat.

So I ask Him, God why arn't you near like this all the time? And he shows me a picture of a little girl in her daddy's arms. Squeezing her eyes shut an inch from his face saying, "I can't see you! I can't see you!"
It's becoming so obvious when I'm refusing to look him straight in the eyes. To really believe that He cherishes me. Right where I am.

"Are you taking pleasure in Me?"

I realized this question will guard my heart from the fear of man. If I'm looking at Him and delighting in Him, how could I give my attention to the approval of others? It's one or the other. Who's eyes am I finding myself in?
I am ready for him to set my whole being free!

Unique

I didn't truly feel back in Mexico until this morning. Sunday morning service in a dark little room, surrounded by dancing singing shouting worshipers. Suddenly I feel Him tugging gentlly on my heart to go deeper... Let go of trying to control everything.
"Should be like this, or should be doing that" NO. Comparison is a horrible thing. Finally repented, running in and out of the ocean waves. So tired of TRYING, when really I can't force myself to be anything I'm not.

God made me... well, me. It's taken me this long to really grasp that. I hear Him differently, love Him differently... and it's all vital. Each one of us the way we are with God is so vital.

I realized that's my dream. God's heart yes, but even more the Bride - that is ALL of us - embracing Jesus face to face.