What's this? You call me victory?

I know what's coming, but I shove my hands in my pockets and wander to the back of the room. The place is electric with the presence of God, hundreds of souls caught up in the Beauty of the Most High, drinking in His goodness, crying out in adoration. It's impossible to ignore Him! I know He's hunting me down, but in the most gentle non-obtrusive way like only the Holy Spirit can do. One minute your consumed with how horrid YOU feel, and YOUR so stupid, and how YOUR life doesn't make sense and how YOU never get it right... and the next minute... your drowning in how HE's so real, what HE's doing, HE'S laughing! HE'S singing! HE'S so humble! HE'S so gentle, how HE burns with love, HIS eyes, HIS heart, HE'S powerful! HE'S endless! HE'S victorious! HE defeated death! HE's doing a new thing!

I find myself screaming with laughter, choked up under the weight of his burning affection.

What are you doing God? I try to resist Him the rest of the night, but the weight of him against my soul was unbearable. Rachael prompted me to speak, and finally all the pent up anger, frustration, insecurity, and pride ripped it's way out. "I can't lead again, I just can't do it!"

Committing to YWAM Mexico for 3 years doesn't freak me out anymore, but failing freaks me out. Not making the grade freaks me out. Not "having what it takes" freaks me out.

"...may [the Father] give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better...that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." (Eph 1:17)

You're humbling me... If I've ever done a good thing in my life, it wasn't me. It's you. That's is! What have I been doing? Patting myself on the back whenever I do good, I'm obedient, I make it happen, I have an impact... So I congratulate my own efforts, obviously without thinking much about it. And I continue to build this lifestyle of working out of MY strength, and consequently eroding my soul into insecurity and pride. If God does something good through me, my response is to run into the secret place and PRAISE JESUS!

I finally know why my right to receive his love doesn't depend on my actions. Cause any good thing is HIM working and not me anyway! What hilarity! I don't think God is proud of my works; it's the Holy Spirit who's working. I'm just obeying. He's proud of me cause I choose Him! He's proud of me cause I set heart and will to love him! He's proud of me cause I'm just BEING who He made me to be. Of course, I'm his kid. Just cause I'm learning to walk and fall on my face half the time, he'd never say, "wow now you've done it, I'm pretty disappointed." No, the Father is NEVER DISAPPOINTED!" He sees my heart! He's so pleased with the ones who set their heart on his.

THIS IS SO GOOD!!