Desire

For the first time in months I could not sleep, I was so excited.

About time too. Between classes, cleaning, events, and planning the trip through central america I'd almost missed it. That desire to go simply did not exsist. I was going because, well, I'm a leader... I have to. All the goals, encouragment, even the words out of my own mouth rang empty in my heart.

But the worst part is I didn't stop to question it. Until I picked up this book, read the first couple chapters, then put it back. Couldn't go any further... my mind was reeling.

Desire. When Jesus spoke to people he appealed to their desire. Their thirst. Their hunger. Dared them to look into their hearts, and see if something in them did not scream for more... life beyound selfishness... fear... monotony. And all we do is ask him. because he IS life, and life to the full.

And suddenly it clicked. All the stories I'd listen to, or make up. About a group of warriors on a dangerous mission. The risks are huge, but the tasks of utmost importance. And each one has a special ability to work with the rest and overcome. These are the stories I'd daydream through highschool to create, I love it! Cause it's my desire... to be on an adventure like that. To risk it all and overcome. Then I realized....

I'M DOING IT! this is it! that IS the reality! here I am leading this team through central america and our war is not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities.... that real people may find true life and a relationship with the God who's heart is breaking over them. to abolish death and isolation. and on and on and on.... And how could I have missed this! That what I'm doing has always been the desire of my heart... and a living reality. It's scarry what can be before our very eyes, in plain sight, yet we do not recognize it.

And how I could do the same things, but with the wrong understanding... dragging myself through everday, instead of living in the fullness. Just because my eyes were squeezed shut. Wow.

God remind me to open my eyes every morning, never satisfied with a short sighted life. Every day is an adventure. What will I choose?

Fix your eyes

This is a new season and how I love FREEDOM!

With all the ins and outs of running a school, God's been inviting me to get up earlier. Spend time with Him before the day gets crazy. Sometimes I keep hitting snooze.... and other times even if I do get up, I sit in a stupor, groping around for God's voice through a floggy mind.
How do I wake up? Not just physically but in my soul? ALL of me, alive to Him, aware of Him. I remember once he griped me with a sight into eternity. Not that eternity goes on and on forever so far away, because he is not a distant God. But that eternity is NOW, a moment deeper deeper deeper... a God closer than my heartbeat.

So I ask Him, God why arn't you near like this all the time? And he shows me a picture of a little girl in her daddy's arms. Squeezing her eyes shut an inch from his face saying, "I can't see you! I can't see you!"
It's becoming so obvious when I'm refusing to look him straight in the eyes. To really believe that He cherishes me. Right where I am.

"Are you taking pleasure in Me?"

I realized this question will guard my heart from the fear of man. If I'm looking at Him and delighting in Him, how could I give my attention to the approval of others? It's one or the other. Who's eyes am I finding myself in?
I am ready for him to set my whole being free!

Unique

I didn't truly feel back in Mexico until this morning. Sunday morning service in a dark little room, surrounded by dancing singing shouting worshipers. Suddenly I feel Him tugging gentlly on my heart to go deeper... Let go of trying to control everything.
"Should be like this, or should be doing that" NO. Comparison is a horrible thing. Finally repented, running in and out of the ocean waves. So tired of TRYING, when really I can't force myself to be anything I'm not.

God made me... well, me. It's taken me this long to really grasp that. I hear Him differently, love Him differently... and it's all vital. Each one of us the way we are with God is so vital.

I realized that's my dream. God's heart yes, but even more the Bride - that is ALL of us - embracing Jesus face to face.