Wrestling in the Desert

Last day of visiting home.

In the middle of my two-week desert-trip back to Wisconsin, while washing the dishing and worshiping, I broke down feeling like an utter failure. As we know feelings never give the complete picture. So I went before God, bearing my heart, bawling like baby.
Yes, cool things had happened. Yes, God HAD moved threw me to impact people. But God specializes in using losers, it's no impressive feat to Him. So that wasn't it...

No, I felt like a failure because I intended these two desert weeks to really seek out God, intercede for my friends, not moving on until He told me to move on, just being intimate with Christ. But instead I was letting myself be distracted as heck, barely spending time with God, not really getting his leading.
That's when I finally threw away the cigars I had just bought. Not because smoking is a sin, or throwing them out would magically fix things. But every time I'd light up for a quick buzz, the Holy Spirit would remind me of this verse.

"Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit." ephesians 5:18

Filled with HIM. I want the maximum of me to be filled by Him. Nothing else. In that time God also spoke to me about vulnerability. Because I was NOT feeling strong. But He told me, "It's not how strong you are in Me, it's how strong I AM in you." And the question that immediately followed, "So how much of Me are you letting in? How deep are you letting Me go?"
That's the paradox of vulnerability. Let your defenses down, and He'll come in and make you a fortress no army can destroy. It's beautiful. Really hard, and really beautiful.